At my stressed out limit

The past few days have been rough. Maybe normally (in a non-pregnant state) I'd be handling things better, but then again, half my worries would also be non-existant. This is mainly going to be a vent. (You've been warned - continue reading at your own risk.)

Here's the list - in chronological order, starting right now.

1. Sophi (my cat) is bugging the hell out of me. She's currently laying on my arm and rubbing her face on my hands. Apparently she didn't get the hint that I didn't want her on me the first 19 times I pushed her away, so I gave up.

2. My last day of work is Friday - aka no more money coming in from me (which ties into other worries I'll get to later) and no more spending time with my good friends there.

3. Mark's graduation. He's currently at 9 flights and 3 sims. Weather is BEAUTIFUL this week - perfect for flying and naturally, it's spring break so all the instructors are off. We still have no clue when he's going to be done.

4. Driving home for the baby shower. Still no clue if it'll be just me or both of us, or when that's going to happen, bc it's all dependant on worry #3.

5. The shower. People aren't RSVP'ing, and that stresses me out. I like to plan things down to the last detail and that's hard to do when 60%+ of the people you invite don't respond. Plus I invited a lot of old friends who I'd LOVE to see, so I'm anxious to know if I'll get to see them or not.

6. The actual move to AZ. I thought since we had a place in AZ lined up we could schedule a delivery date for all our stuff to the new place before we left here. I've been thinking this for the past 3 months. Yesterday I find out that no, you have to be AT Luke (base Mark's training at in AZ) to schedule the delivery date/time of your junk, and they have up to 6 weeks to get it to you, but usually it takes 2-4 days. We're getting to AZ in Monday, my mom is flying out on the next Sunday. If we have to wait until Thursday or later to get all our junk, my mom isn't going to be able to help much, which leads me to #7.

7. Getting settled in AZ. As I said in a previous blog, I'm worried about setting up a 2 story house at 8 months pregnant. People keep telling me to not worry about it, but if I'm in an un-set-up house and 8 mos pregnant, with a newborn on the way and guests coming to see the newborn - that's a recipe for STRESS in my book. That will 100% stress me out. I will not be able to just live in a pig-sty. Besides, if I don't get it all done before she gets here, I highly doubt I'm going to have the time/energy to organize things AFTER she's here. Maybe I should just put it all off until she's like 4 months old. Mark mom might come out Thurs - Sun to help us get settled, which would be great. But that kind of leads to #7.5, which is I LOVE organizing my own junk and rearranging things. I don't want to just sit and watch other people do it for me, but I highly doubt Mark's going to let me lug things up and down stairs. I guess we'll figure that out later.

8. Finding an OB in AZ. This is an overwhelming process for me, which is why I've been putting it off so much. I've gotten tons of recommendations, which I truly appreciate, but I'm worried about finding a dr that I "fit" with. I would prefer a female, since I've never had a male, except for the one I go to here, but he's only examined me once on my first visit and all the rest of them I've been clothed. I have a very definite idea of how I would like my birth to go and I know it's not the "popular option" these days and I still don't know how to get a straight answer from a dr when you ask if they are "natural friendly". Of course they're going to say, "oh sure, unless you need a c-section", which then leads me to "define 'need a c-section'" and so on. More on this later.

9. Doula or no doula. First I wanted it to be just Mark and me for the birth. (Not even my mom. Just us.) And then I found out a friend was having one and I thought, well that might be a good idea, so I looked into them. Then I decided I'd get a midwife and therefore, didn't want a doula bc a midwife should be okay with delivering naturally if possible. Then I found out there are no midwives in the area accepting patients, that Tricare (insurance) covers. So then I went back to wanting a doula. And then I found out my friend who I thought was having a doula, didn't have one, and decided I wanted it to be Mark and me again because I didn't want to pay $500 for a doula and I wanted it to be Mark and my experience and I figured it's my birth, damnit! If I don't want drugs I can tell the nurses I don't want drugs and we can handle it. And then last night I talked to a friend who basically said that having a natural birth without a doula is damn near impossible and she's been to 7 OB's in 4 states and none of them were "natural friendly" and Mark's not going to want to do all the support work by himself and I'm going to want extra people around to help me because he's not going to be there the whole time since I'll probably be in labor for a day or two and he's going to need breaks, etc, etc, etc. Needless to say, that stressed me the hell out. So I talked to Mark last night and come to find out he wants a doula and he's not worried about paying $500 for one and he'd like the extra support. So now I have to get that all set up too.

10. (This is a minor one, but I'm still nervous.) Half the reason I didn't want a doula is because I just viewed it as one more person to stare at my crotch and see me naked. I'm self conscious as it is and I told Mark we could have a doula as long as he was naked the whole time I was so I'm not the only one with all my junk hanging out. He said when the time came I probably wouldn't care about it, which is true, but right now I do.

11. Where will I deliver? I'm not too worked up about this, but it would be really nice to have an idea of where I'm going to deliver. But in order to do that, I have to set up a dr. And then we have to move there so I can tour the hospital before the big day.

12. Money. Mark gets a significant raise in June since he's going from 1st LT to Captain in the Air Force. However, my income is ceasing next week... So there's a good 2 months in between where we're going to be bringing in less money. And we have a BUNCH of big purchases to make in the meantime - mainly for the baby. I'm not really expecting people coming to the shower to buy us big stuff and even if I get stuff used I figure it's still going to be about $1500-2000 just for stuff for her - including furniture, baby monitor, stroller, carseat, etc. Plus we still have to pay our taxes and we owe over $650 in those, plus the doula is $500, plus moving in general is expensive - buying random things for the new place, restocking the fridge with stuff you can't move with you, that sort of stuff. Mark's not worried about money, but I am.

13. The whole birth process. As I've touched on before, I'd like to do this naturally and people these days make it sound like that is next to impossible. You say you'd like to try to do things naturally as far as the birth goes and they look at you like you just said you want to saw off your right leg with a spoon. That annoys me. If there are complications, fine. Drug me up, cut me open and get her out. But in the 90+% chance that there aren't complications, leave me alone and let me do my thing. Maybe I'll change my mind when the time is here, but for now, let me live in my dream world that I can do this without medical intervention.

14. Visitors after the birth. We have most of this worked out, but I'm still trying to figure out what his grandparents are planning on doing. If they want to come down after she's born, I'd prefer them come the same time his parents are there too. Mainly because Mark is going to be in training, so he's going to be gone 12+ hours a day and I am about 110% positive I'm not going to be up for entertaining while I'm trying to figure out life with a newborn. And everyone keeps saying "well you don't have to entertain them". Well yeah, but by entertain, I mean be even halfway social. It stresses me out because I feel like I have to clean and cook and make a good impression on his family and I'm worried about not being able to keep up with it all while I'm learning to feed and take care of a newborn.

15. July weekend. This is a ways away, but I'm on a roll, so I thought I'd add it just for fun... We'd like to go home 4th of July weekend. Unfortunately, as is everything else with the military, we won't know if we can go until MUCH later - like after she's born. I want to go home and have her baptised and have her meet my 93 year old grandma, but we won't know if Mark can take leave until sometime in July. Just for ONCE I'd like to be able to plan something in advance and know that it was going to work out and the plans weren't going to change 15 times and/or be cancelled all together.

Sometimes I'm not sure if I'm cut out for this military wife stuff. I like to have goals and plans and I make lists for everything and plan everything down to the last detail. I like to know that I have things under control, and that really just isn't possible with the military. Basically the military is in control of everything and I have to sit back and wait until the last minute (literally) for them to tell me what we're doing. It's really hard and I'm surprised I don't have a stomach full of ulcers. No wonder they think my blood pressure is high.

Speaking of blood pressure, I have an OB appt in 30 mins. If you actually read this far, I'm impressed. Sorry for the rant. (And I'm not proof-reading this so sorry for all the mistakes.)